In those early days when O was first diagnosed, he was young, only in Montessori. We googled Selective Mutism and knew straight away, this sounded exactly like him. Nobody said, we think your child might have Selective Mutism and nobody told us what we had to do. I remember the feeling of overwhelm, as I tried to juggle caring for my four children the youngest was only a baby, and the demands of balancing work and managing childcare all while desperately trying to figure out how to best help O.
I recall all those worries that raced through my head. How will he form friendships? What if he is hurt or sick and can’t tell anyone? What if there is an emergency and he can’t shout for help? What if he doesn’t overcome it? How will he manage when he is a teenager? Will he face isolation and depression? How will he do his oral exams in the leaving certificate? How will he sit an interview for a job if he can’t talk? Yes, really, I even considered those last few, he was only 3!! It is amazing where the mind can take you! I was worried and anxious about what lay ahead for O. If only I knew back in those days what I know now. That none of that helps in fact you may think all these anxieties are internalized but our kids pick up on these things, they are sponges absorbing all that stress and anxiety even if we think we are masking it.
Many children with Selective/Situational Mutism are sensitive souls, all my children are sensitive, and O is no different, they can pick up on a smidgen of stress in my voice, there is no hiding it from them. Feeling anxious when your child is first diagnosed is a natural response for a lot of parents even if there is no tendency for anxiety or worry in the family which can sometimes be the case when a child has Selective Mutism. There may be some pre-disposition to anxiety but not always. As parents we won’t always feel anxious on this Selective Mutism journey and certainly it is easy to offend a parent and the assumption should never be made that a parent is always transferring their anxiety to their child. As parents we also can’t take on the burden of guilt or wondering was it our fault which can also often be part of that early stage of diagnosis for a parent. However, it is good for us as parents to be mindful of the impact of those worry thoughts and any anxiety within the family and therefore to prioritise as best we can looking after ourselves and keeping our family home a calm place.
I don’t beat myself up over those early days of worry, I think there is a natural process that you go through once your child is diagnosed with Selective Mutism, there is the Why? Why does he have this? Has he suffered some trauma we don’t know about? (Incidentally Selective Mutism is different to Traumatic Mutism, and assuming Selective Mutism was caused by trauma is one of the big misconceptions around Selective Mutism, see more on this in another post). Did we do something wrong as parents? Was it my difficult pregnancy? Did we answer for him? Then there is the scramble to figure out where to get help which most people will know it is not an easy task. There are the feelings of loneliness, you desperately want someone to come into your life that knows what they are talking about and take charge and help your child to talk.
With time you realise a few key realities, those worry thoughts they are not going to help you or your child and while of course they might rare their ugly head from time to time throughout your journey no matter how far along the road you are, you need to quash them, and you do learn to do this over time. All that is important is how you can, now help your child overcome their Selective Mutism not the how and why of the past and not the what ifs of the future. Focus on the present and forget about all the questions you ask yourself; they serve no purpose to anyone.
Firstly, you need to look after your own anxiety and yourself before you can help your child and I say you because you will learn in time that there is no magic solution, no fairy godmother speech and language therapist that is going to come in and wave a magic wand and suddenly your child will speak immediately. Yes, there are some with experience that can set you on the right road and support you but there is lots you can do yourself and there is no quick fix, in a lot of cases it can just take time and patience.
The idea that you do so much to help your child and that a speech and language therapist is only there to support you, in itself is overwhelming in the early days, you ask yourself questions, what do you mean it’s me as his mother/parent that can help? How can I help? I am not an expert, and this can be terrifying! You feel the weight of that responsibility on your shoulders and again that can feel like you have a big mountain to climb and can be isolating, particularly in the beginning, especially if little progress is being made.
The natural process I referred to is firstly the initial shock of having your child diagnosed with something and then there is a period of education and identifying the right path to getting the correct help and support for your child and very importantly ensuring you and all the environments your child is in, are also providing the right type of support for your child. This only comes with education and time.
I believe at some point you reach an acceptance stage; it is an acceptance of the diagnosis when you know more about it and you start to relax and just accept that you need patience, and time and confidence to help your child. Confidence in yourself that you can provide them with the right support and confidence in your child that they will overcome this. As your knowledge on the subject grows your confidence will grow, as you know that all you can do is put in place all the steps and strategies recommended to help your child and that is all you can do, help your child grow, work on their self-esteem, connect with them and be happy and enjoy life whether at a particular point in time that means they are only engaging non-verbally outside their comfort zone, so be it, because the latter will come in time with your support and slow steps forward.
As you grow more confident you give your child that confidence, install self confidence in them, believe in them, the more you believe in them the more they will believe in themselves and believe in yourself. You learn the right type of language to use. You learn how to behave and how to counteract any negative maintaining factors a bit better, that’s after you’ve learnt what a maintaining factor even is!
I wish in those early days I knew O would make friends, he would take brave steps, he would progress. I have learnt as I am sure so many other parents have learnt that although there are always some exceptions in how Selective Mutism is overcome, generally it can be a slow process because you need to take tiny steps and take things at the pace of the child. Particularly it can be slow if during those early stages there are delays to getting help or understanding or creating the right environment for your child to progress and then we have all had Covid to deal with which has put limitations on lots of things, let’s not even go there for now as some things are just out of our control!
It is impossible to control everything surrounding your child there will always be the incident where someone comes up and says are you not talking today? Or the activity coach that asks them direct questions repeatedly even though they are not ready for them and even though you have had the chat with the person in charge. These events will happen and all we can do is our best to deal with them and prevent them where possible but accept that it is hard to create a perfect world and situation for your child to flourish in, we can only do our best and life happens. There will always be curve balls, there will always be people who don’t understand but just educate them and move on from it, change what you can and know that you have the ability to make changes in your child’s life. It takes determination and having support yourself helps, whether that is through other parents, social media groups, your child’s speech, and language therapist a friend to listen and encourage whatever that might be.
We as a family are still on our journey with Selective Mutism, but I have confidence he will overcome his Selective Mutism now, he has taken great strides in the past year. The best advice I got from a parent was to look back a year ago and think how far they have come, it soon puts those worries to bed when you think well yes, a year ago looked very different from where we are today and think where we could be another year from now. I know he will overcome his Selective Mutism; I don’t know when, it could be a year from now, we could be still dealing with elements of it 6 or 10 or 20 years from now who knows but if we are then we will deal with it and support him and that positivity that hope it is contagious. You will be so surprised how your child will suddenly start taking on that positivity and that hope as soon as you start having it yourself.
When your child is not progressing in the early days it is hard to have that and hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. People say oh he will grow out of it, and you feel alone because you know he isn’t necessarily going to just grow out of it not without interventions but when another parent of a child with Selective Mutism says it gets easier, there is hope, it takes time and a lot of patience, and they will find their voice and they will get there, hearing it from other parents of children with Selective Mutism helps. When another parent says we were where you were 3 years ago but look where we are now it gives hope.
Our son is not over his Selective Mutism we are still on our journey and still have a long road ahead, who knows maybe he will carry a little of it with him throughout his life but how he manages it will change. However, for now O is progressing and that is great. Last week he said, “Mum I smile and laugh in school now I never used to do that!” the joy that little sentence brought to me, he is so happy and actually that is all that is important to me over the past while because if he is happy that is the most important thing to me and everything else will come in time with supports in place”.
Be patient, be kind to yourself, you have got this! Keep smiling!
"Use your smile to change the world don't let the world change your smile" - Chinese proverb
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