People have been known to say anxiety and control are closely linked. I never gave this much thought previously, but I have learnt that my son’s ability to feel in control of a situation and his sense that he is in control of the steps he takes toward working on overcoming Selective Mutism has really helped him progress.
During 'Sliding In' sessions in the early days we started with his SEN teacher outside the door and the door shut and slowly in small steps worked up to bringing his SEN teacher into the room to where O is now fully relaxed and verbal with his support teacher.
During this process O had control over lots of things like how wide he opened the door, (once we got to the stage the door was open). O has always been given lots of choice, for example how he takes the next step. When he is part of the process, he copes better, he comes up with the ideas for the next step. Even giving choice over things like the volume level he will choose to speak at or the game he will play or what his next goal will be. This all helps him to have a sense of control and there is no pressure as he knows he can decide if something is too much, and nobody will push him instead an alternative step will be offered often coming from an idea he may have had himself initially.
He also loves to make charts and reward systems to use when setting his goals and objectives around the small steps exposure method. We didn’t use charts so much when he was younger but as he got older, he came up with the idea of having a chart at home and of course he is more aware of the process we are following and why. O spends time designing the charts for home and coming up with ideas and he always includes rewards to work towards for achieving targets he sets himself which in his case motivates him, and they are usually reasonable rewards.
Of course, O was not always this motivated and at one time suggestions would have been shut down and not entertained but if the decisions come from him, it is less overwhelming for him. Giving O lots of options is what works best for him. He will then choose the option he thinks is most achievable and set that as his target. If something is way out of his reach no doubt, he will say no but the trick is to always include something achievable then he will pick what is right for his next step and he doesn’t feel like he has failed because there is always an achievable option for him or he will suggest an option himself. I love that visual of the ladder with many rungs to reach the top as apposed to a ladder the same size with big steps in between to reach the same goal. It is so powerful.
Often when things feel like they are getting a little overwhelming in our house a good clean and tidy of the house from top to bottom and feeling that sense of control is regained over the chaos, can help make us feel less overwhelmed in a busy household. So why would feeling in control be any different for a child.
Ensuring he has a good sense of control and input in the process of working toward overcoming Selective Mutism has been one key element to his progress and it is he who has ensured this, he has taken control and made the decision to move forward himself. Everyone around him is there to support him in this and gently encourage him but the key is that there is no pressure and giving him control over elements of the process ensures he does not feel pressure.
We got to a point where we could openly discuss his Selective Mutism with him, but this only came with time and then openly discussing his targets and goals he wants to work on as he got older. He often came up with the ideas. If O feels in control of the situation and also knows he can back out if he wants to and nobody is going to pressure him to do something, then it becomes more manageable for him, and he reaches his goal feels great and gets ready to set the next. It can take time between goals but the better he does the shorter the time span between progress.
Accepting O as he is has helped this process too. The changes he is making are for himself and not to please us (but of course we do a little silent victory dance inside our heads when he takes a step forward and my husband and I share in the joy privately while subtly acknowledging it with him in a way which does not include over the top praise) . This is what works for O but of course every child is different. We have learnt this over time with O, there were times when it was hard to contain our excitement and we could see he was uncomfortable with it so we learnt from that experience and took the cool as a cucumber approach after that, letting him raise his achievement with us rather than jumping in pointing it out and high fiving him.
The latest wins we are celebrating are saying "ahhhhh" aloud at an appointment with a doctor he did not know whilst he examined his throat. Answering his name to a new swimming coach and a GAA coach and asking his class teacher to go to the toilet, answering a maths question at his teacher’s desk and playing games with his teacher like guess who and lots of progress with his class teacher are other recent wins.
Anxiety can make us feel out of control, giving our kids that bit of control again in whatever way that can be achieved might just help, it certainly helps O.
“Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you.” Peace Pilgrim
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